10 Helpful Tips For Talking With Aging Parents About The Future

If your parents are nearing the end of their lives, this is the perfect—and only—time you will have to ask those important questions that you never got around to as a teenager or adult; incorporate these discussions into your conversation about their future, because the opportunity may disappear without warning.

We have so much love for our parents, and we want their end-of-life care to be as excellent as it can be, and we want it to be close to what they want; although we know our parents deeply, the easiest way to ensure that we know their wishes is by talking about it. There may come a day when your parents are unable to make decisions about their life, and when that day comes it is best to know what their decision would be.

Completing this sort of paperwork with your parents is one task, but it is crucial that once all of the documentation is done, someone or multiple people know where it is kept and can access it when needed.

In such a time of difficulty like death, the last thing you or your elderly parents want is any sort of surprise or confusion. You and your parents should both know what to expect during this period. Being unprepared or being taken off guard is never easy and can result in other problems like distressing emotions, legal or ethical errors, and rushed decisions.

Approaching end-of-life care is difficult enough as it is for your aging parents, but this can be increasingly hard if they are suffering from any physical or cognitive illnesses. Having these types of conversations about the future allows you to offer to help your parents or to step in and handle the parts that they cannot tend to.

If you and your parents work together during this time it can make things more enjoyable and easier for everyone.

Your aging parents have many thoughts, emotions, and concerns on their minds as they approach the end of their lives. Sometimes the most meaningful thing you can do for them is to remind them that you are there to support and help in any way you can.

Having these difficult conversations lets them know that you are thinking of them at that you want this time to be as carefree and enjoyable as possible. It allows them to feel secure in the knowledge that you genuinely care about their wishes and that you want to listen to and honor them even after they are gone.

It is also likely that your parents have spent more time together than you have with them; this means that they may understand each other’s wishes slightly more than you would, which provides valuable insight when making housing, burial, or memorial arrangements. They also may be able to converse more easily and make the conversation more casual. This time can be devastating for both of you, so it is important to support each other.

You and your siblings know your parents better than anyone—they shaped you and loved you. There is no better help than them when it comes to organizing the best end-of-life arrangements for your parents.

Having your partner by your side while you engage with your parents may help you remain confident and rooted in the discussion. They are there to support you when you need it and remind you that you have help by your side; discussing your aging parents’ future is hard to do alone, so having someone with you who you love and trust can be very beneficial.

Having the physician involved in the conversation could be helpful to you because they can provide unemotional and logical advice, whereas your parents may see your ideas as sentimental or rash. If their doctor can point them in the best direction, they are less likely to argue or refuse.

Another option is asking one of your parents’ close friends to help you navigate the discussion of future plans. They can keep the conversation friendly and easygoing, and they may provide information or advice that is not familial. They may also have had a conversation similar to this with their own children, and they can reassure your parents that it is painless and beneficial.

The ideal place to have this hard talk with your parents is where they are most comfortable, which is typically their home. This could also be a cottage or a park they enjoy going to; however, being at home where you have access to all the resources and areas to gather is the best option.

If your parents are in a place that they feel safe in and a place that perhaps elicits some nostalgic feelings, they may be more likely to engage in a difficult discussion. They can sit in their favorite chair or have their pet by their side, and these things can be significant in making a conversation go smoothly. Also, sometimes being surrounded by the things that mean most to a person and what they will miss when they are going will encourage them to deal with the difficult matters of death.

As hard as a conversation with your elderly parents can be, the last thing you need is distractions or interruptions. Although a secluded place like a park may be an effective discussion spot, other busy public areas like restaurants, arenas, or stores will not result in an effective conversation. Your parents will likely feel uncomfortable, unprepared, and distracted. This is a very important conversation and you do not want other people listening in, cutting into the dialogue, or any unprecedented things to happen while you are out.

Even if you know that their home is full of other family members or they are likely to watch the television or do cooking, take them somewhere that facilitates conversation rather than hinders it. This also means considering possibilities of problems arising. For example, this may not be a discussion to have while traveling because if emotions become overwhelming, you or your parents may need time and space to re-set.

Unfortunately, sometimes we do not get to these difficult conversations with our elderly parents before they have to be taken into care in a nursing home or hospital. In that case, although it is not ideal, it is almost more important to have that conversation. It is crucial that you understand their wishes and concerns while you have the chance.

If this is the case for you, try to make the space as inviting and home-like as possible. Consider bringing them their favorite comfort food or playing the kind of music they like. It is likely they do not want to be having this conversation with you in the hospital either, so make it as calm and pleasant as you can.

Being prepared for this discussion will set you up for the most success. You do not want to feel lost in the conversation or forget any important points. It will be much easier for you and your aging parents to have a healthy, productive conversation if there is some sort of structure; being disorganized may cause frustration which can in turn escalate other problems that you want to try to avoid in a tough time like this.

Consider making a checklist for talking to elderly parents and use this to guide your discussion and to ensure that you do not skip over anything important to talk about.

This conversation is not easy for anyone, but your parents especially have probably tried to avoid this day or tried to distract themselves from thinking about any end-of-life matters. Try to make this as easy as possible for them; this will also help you have less distress when speaking to them.

During a time like this, when your parents are growing old and you need to take matters into your own hands to help ensure their last days are as enjoyable as possible, your well-being is just as important. We have some tips that will help you manage your emotions and be at ease in the difficult conversation with your elderly parents.