How to Write an Outstanding Eulogy

Famously, Minister Benjamin Mays gave an uplifting and emotional eulogy after the tragic and untimely death of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.. Mays explained Dr. King’s legacy in part by explaining:

Earl Spencer, brother of the late Princess Diana, similarly honored his sister’s gifts to the world. He stated in her eulogy:

Lastly, Bindi Irwin, just eight at the time, gave an uplifting tribute to her father, the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. She ended her eulogy encouraging others to continue her fathers’ work:

Talk to those important in the deceased life including:

Close family members: Family members such as parents, siblings, significant others, children, and close cousins, nieces, or nephews are important to talk to in order to get stories from the deceased life course. They likely know the deceased better than most. 

Close friends: Close friends from childhood, teenage years, adulthood, and old age are all appropriate to talk to. Friends may provide extra memories or personality traits that family is not aware of.

Co-workers and supervisors: Those who worked with the deceased can be beneficial to talk to. This is especially true if the deceased was heavily involved in their career or passionate about their work.

High school and college classmates: Classmates from throughout the deceased life likely have stories and memories from the deceased most pivotal growing years. This may be especially relevant for those that still maintained strong ties to their alma maters.

Religious leaders and spiritual advisors: For people that were religious or spiritual, it is a great idea to talk with their religious leaders or spiritual advisors. They will likely have great insight into the spirit of the deceased and also may inform you ways they wished to be remembered or honored in their death. 

Yourself: Do not forget to include your own reflections and memories!

Think about what kind of information you would like to gather:

Biographical information: This will help paint a picture of who the deceased was in the most simplest of terms. Knowing where the grew up, their occupation, and unique identities can help to paint a picture of the deceased’s entire life for those that only knew them for part of their life. 

Stories from childhood and adult life: Talk to siblings, cousins, and childhood friends to obtain stories from childhood. Often, the most memorable childhood stories relate to the qualities and characteristics the deceased grew into. Close family members, friends, and co-workers might be able to give you insight into stories from the deceased’s adult life that represent their personality or are vital in explaining how they lived their life.

Academic or career successes, awards, or acknowledgments: School and work are important to many people. Did the deceased earn an advanced degree, receive special acknowledgment in their field of work, or receive recognition due to their community involvement?

What they loved most in life and their hobbies/passions: This can be anything including being a mother/father, the work they do, their pets, or fun activities. How did the deceased occupy their free time? This can be anything from traveling or playing sports to reading and listening to music.

Favorite activities, pets, places to travel, games, food, drinks, etc.: This area can encompass anything that is important to the deceased. Did they love pizza or playing poker? Were they obsessed with tending to their farm, sewing, or thrift shopping?

Their morals and values and what things they would want to be remembered for: Sometimes it can be difficult to think about guiding morals and values. It may be helpful instead to think about the causes or issues that they care most about. Were they passionate about animal rights, human rights, a political cause, or the environment? Would they want to be remembered for being a wonderful mother, a caring teacher, a passionate activist, or a free-spirited daredevil? Close family, friends, and religious figures may have insight into what they would most like to be remembered for. 

Your thoughts when you think to yourself “who was this person at their core”: At the end of everything, think about the person at their core. Is there something you missed? Sometimes it can be hard to capture these pivitol traits and you may need some extra time to think about the most defining characteristics of the deceased.

Some people find it helpful to free-journal or write a stream of consciousness about the person before they begin writing the eulogy. This can be a great technique if you are not sure where to start writing and need some help getting started. You do not have to include everything you journal in the eulogy, but it can help get you in the correct mindset.

Some possible journal prompts include: 

What made my loved one different from other people in my life? When someone dies we often describe their death as causing a hole in our lives. What is unique about the hole that this person is leaving?

What influence did the deceased have on my life? In their community? In the world? What will be their lasting impact months, years, and decades from now?

How did we first meet? For a family member, this might not be very memorable, but you could instead write about why you remained close into adulthood. For a close friend, it can be fun and interesting to think of the story of how you met. 

What is an activity I associate with them? Maybe you will always remember the deceased when you visit a certain place or cook a certain meal. 

What is one thing I wish I could tell them right now? Be honest. It does not have to be something eloquent; just journal about what you would tell them right now if you could have one last conversation. 

What is their defining characteristic? To start this prompt, it might be helpful to fill in the blank: “this person was the most ______ person I have ever met.” Were they the most creative? Caring? Obsessed with football? Best at singing? Organized?

When writing a eulogy, remember to actually write the eulogy. While you may think you just need a few notes or that you will speak off cuff, emotions might overcome you on the day you deliver the eulogy and it will be best to have a copy of exactly what you want to say to help you deliver the best eulogy you are capable of giving.

As you begin to write the eulogy, remember this is an opportunity to honor and remember all of the positive aspects and characteristics about your loved one. Eulogies can be a time to be creative and dynamic in how you remember your loved one and do not have to be deeply emotional or sad. Decide on a tone for the eulogy.

Once a tone is decided, begin the writing. For many people, it is helpful to begin with an outline to help you organize your ideas. You will want the eulogy to flow and make sense, so taking some time beforehand to outline and organize your thoughts can be extremely helpful.

If you have a lot you wish to cover in the eulogy, make a checklist of the points you want to cover. A eulogy should flow naturally and logically, so it may be helpful to add smaller checklists within each section of your outline. 

The first part of your outline should be an introduction. Start by introducing yourself. You can keep this part very brief, but others will want to know who you are, your relationship to the deceased, and any other information that you think might be relevant.

Also acknowledge the reason why everyone is gathered in front of you - to celebrate the life of your loved one and say goodbye. Lastly for the introduction, explain the overarching or primary purpose of the eulogy. This does not need to be an introduction paragraph, but a simple sentence or two briefly introducing the theme you have chosen.

After your introduction, move into a biographical sketch of the deceased. Depending on your relationship and the type of eulogy you are delivering, you may include information such as:

• Date and place of birth
• Where they grew up
• Where they attended school and/or college
• Partners, children, and grandchildren 
• Relationships with extended families and friends
• Occupation, volunteer activities, and community roles
• Defining hobbies or activities 
• Important identities they held

Next move onto memories of the deceased. This is where you may want to discuss special memories or stories, advice passed down from the deceased, personal conversations, and things you wish for them to be remembered for.

It is often helpful in this section to have one overarching memory or story with smaller ones dispersed throughout. For example, if you are writing a eulogy for your father and a defining moment of your relationship was him coaching your basketball team, that could be your overarching story in which you share how he was as a coach, game day rituals, traveling to and from games, and post-game meals or celebrations.

 In thinking about the main story or theme of the eulogy, it might be helpful to consider some of the following:

Activities you enjoyed doing together such as sports, traveling, or watching movies. You can talk about their role in your upbringing, growth, and development. This can include if they helped to raise you as a child but also if they ever gave you advice or support throughout the years.  

Your favorite characteristics of the person, which may include their generosity, expansive imagination, or tremendous listening skills. Personality traits or key phrases that the person frequently used including catch phrases and funny quirks are also applicable here. 

How those closest to the person, including their children, friends, significant other, or parents would describe them. Also include what you will remember or miss most about them. This can be memories, characteristics, traditions you did together, activities, or simply talking with them. 

Childhood experiences including activities, hobbies, and school as well as daily activities they enjoyed such as their morning ritual of making coffee and reading the newspaper or watching the evening news. You can also talk about funny quirks or daily activities they participated in that highlights their personality and uniqueness. Touch on the person’s humor, what made them laugh, or what they did that made you laugh

How did the person showed love to you and others. Everyone has a special way to show their love. How did you know this person cared about you? How did the person comforted or took care of you when you needed them most?

The impact they had on their community or neighborhood including stories, either that you have witnessed or heard, that exemplify their character. 

Talk about traditions you participated in together including daily rituals, traditions you created, or holiday traditions, sights, sounds, smells, or feelings you associate with that person.

After thinking of the main story which will set the tone for the eulogy, brainstorm smaller stories or anecdotes to include. These may include memories of your father as you grew up, went to college, and began having your own children.

Some questions to think about when thinking of a memory, special moment, or good story to share: 

What is one way this person has changed my life? What is my most joyous memory with this person?

What life defining moment did this person play a large role in (e.g. graduation, wedding, baptism, etc.)? What memory do I have with this person that best represents their personality?

What memory do I have with this person that best represents our relationship? What is the most important thing this person has taught me?

What is one activity this person and I loved to do together?   What is the most important piece of advice this person shared with me?

While it may be emotional to think about how you said goodbye to your loved one, if there was a special way you said goodbye, that could also be a story you share in the eulogy. 

As you begin to write the closing of the eulogy, take time to thank people who helped you and your loved one. It can be a good idea to thank family, friends, or outside individuals that may have helped with care taking; those who came to the funeral and who have supported you during your grieving; the church; the funeral home; and the hospice or any medical stuff.

Ideas for closing the eulogy:

Ask and answer a question: For example: “Who was Jane Smith? Jane was a mother, a sister, a teacher, a dancer, an advocate…” or “What makes Jane Smith special?” “What would Westside Elementary be without Mrs. Jane Smith?”

Revisit the theme of the eulogy. Was this person a risk taker that will always be remembered for their adventures? Will they live on through a community garden they created? 

Summarize the main story you told. For example: “my dad started as my basketball coach, ended his life playing pickup games in the driveway with my children, and will forever be remembered whenever I see youth playing basketball at the park or when March Madness begins in the Spring.”

End with a quote, excerpt from a work of literature, scripture reading, or prayer that summarizes your loved one. Sometimes others have the words that perfectly express what you want to say and that is okay.

Once you are finished writing, take a break! Take at least a few hours, but even up to a few days, away from writing. Once you have had a break, come back and review and edit the eulogy.

Next, practice reading the eulogy. You will want to practice reading it at least a few times until you are comfortable. You may read it alone or in front of others but the most important thing is to actually verbally practice reading aloud what you have written.

Remember to speak slowly and clearly. Try to memorize as much as you can to help avoid feeling uncomfortable or losing your place while delivering the eulogy. 

Do take chances: A eulogy is often the last formal time you will have to honor your loved one. If you are comfortable, this can be the time to take a chance by letting others into some personal aspects of your relationship with the deceased. No stories are too silly or inconsequential to share in a eulogy. 

Don't get overwhelmed with details: When telling a story, it is okay to not remember or repeat every detail. Explain what you can remember and what is most relevant. It is more important to express the essence of who your loved one was rather than every minor detail. 

Do remember quality over quantity: You likely have a lot to say about the deceased, yet it is important to remember that in a eulogy less can be more. Since you have limited time, focus on telling a few stories thoroughly rather than telling many stories with not much depth. 

Don't try to cover every aspect of their life: You may want to explain every outstanding aspect of the deceased’s life, but try to focus on a few of the most important aspects. People will understand that you could not cover every aspect and everyone will have their own unique memories to help complete the picture of the life of your loved one. 

Do remember that this is a celebration of life: While delivering a eulogy is sad, it is also a celebration - a celebration of life. Allow yourself to be happy about the time you spent together, the positive aspects they brought to others, and the unique gifts they gave the world. Celebrate them. 

Don't shy away from addressing that someone died early or unexpectedly: While it is often not necessary to mention the cause of death in a eulogy, it is okay to express the disbelief that a person died early or unexpectedly. It is okay to mention the hopes they had for the future and how guests can carry on their legacy. 

Do ensure the eulogy flows: If you find yourself having trouble getting into a flow, consider explaining events in chronological order, ask someone who does not know the deceased to read the eulogy to see if it makes sense, and include transitions with the eulogy when you move from one story or topic to another. 

Don't get discouraged: After writing the introduction, it is common to get stuck not knowing what to write next. Do not get discouraged. Writing a eulogy can be difficult, especially as you are grieving. Take your time and give yourself grace. Remember to first talk about your loved one’s achievements, hobbies, talents, and passions and then their unique qualities. Get strengths from their memory and remember you can do this. 

Do write the eulogy with the audience in mind: The eulogy is written by you and is about the deceased, but remember you are delivering it to the deceased’s family, friend, and loved ones. Think of them as your audience as you write.